#joey batey fic

[thedemonofcat]

The truth was that Jaskier was the result of a child's surprise. Surprisingly, his grateful parents discovered that the witcher who claimed him never returned to collect.

Years later, at Kaer Morhen, everyone is shocked to learn that it was Lambert—drunk at the time—who had invoked the law of surprise.

Now, Lambert is taken quite seriously as Jaskier’s "Papa," and he’s constantly angry with Geralt. His words are clear: "You’re no good for my child," or "Never speak to me or my son again."

No matter how many times Jaskier insists that Lambert isn’t his father, it makes no difference.

[hannibard]

Thanks for coming to my ted talk

[annmarcus63]

It took him two years to realize that he was hopelessly in love with Geralt. And within a few months he decided to try his luck with the witcher, but he knew that he had to be careful with his advances, that he had to be cautious and cunning so as not to scare him away. He wanted to win Geralt's heart and the first steps were to make sure that he could really win, if not the love, then at least the affection of the witcher. 

Jaskier begins with gentle touches, his hand brushing against the other's, and increases the affection in the massages and hair washes he offers Geralt.  Followed by intent glances and coquettish smiles, but not too coquettish, he wants to let Geralt know that he's interested in more, much more than just a roll in the hay. 

Eventually Jaskier gets bolder. One afternoon, Geralt is leading Roach by the reins on the road and he approaches him as casually as possible to chat about... he honestly can't remember, and with a quick movement he grabs Geralt's hand as if he had done it a hundred times before. Geralt tenses and looks at him, panic and uncertainty in his golden eyes, the bard knows that feeling, so he smiles shyly at him feeling afraid too. Geralt snorts in annoyance, but doesn't pull his hand back. He just leaves it there, relaxed.

Then, the kissing started, forehead kisses that Jaskier placed upon Geralt's frown when he's particularly upset about a contract or with people. The witcher leans at the contact sometimes. So, one night Jaskier looks at Geralt's pretty lips and leans slowly, until their breaths are mingling with each other, mmh the witcher smells so good. 

Geralt grunts and turns around to make space between them, almost imperceptible, their thighs no longer touching. “Sorry,” Says, Jaskier. It's ok. 

But then, Geralt closes the small gap again and turns back to him, his eyes downcast almost ashamed. Jaskier smiles strangely charmed and leans in to touch his lips briefly with Geralt's, a small touch full of longing and love, so much love. Geralt tries to escape once again, but the bard doesn't let him this time, with both hands he takes the other's face to plant kisses like seeds on his nose, each cheekbone, each closed eye. The witcher trembles under his fingerprints, but the bard soothes him with "shh, I've got you".

They don't go further than that, Jaskier can feel the way Geralt is holding himself back, to wanting what is being offered with such devotion. He's not ready but that's ok, Jaskier'll wait for him as long as it takes. For him, only for him.

Geralt makes a stupid wish that sends him into a blurry reality of pain and confusion, his throat hurts, will he lose his voice? There's apple juice and naked people, a proud woman in a black dress, gods she's gorgeous, almost every sorceress is, but she has something special that Jaskier doesn't like. 

He understands what it is about, when he encounters a frantic Geralt at the gate, he fears for her, he likes her, he...likes her. 

It took him eight years to hold Geralt's hand while walking, it took him ten years to kiss him, but in spite of his unmeasurable efforts he could not achieve what Yennefer did in one day. Maybe his naivete condemned him to misread the signs, maybe it wasn't that Geralt wasn't ready to love someone, maybe he wasn't ready to love Jaskier, at all.

Full fic here

[nothoughtsjustmhaandotherthings]

What's everybody's favorite The Amazing Devil lyric? I'll go first:

Didn't the trees tell us their stories?

Yeah, but we--we thought you were mental, you were talking to trees.

-Secret Worlds

Reblog/reply with yours!

[thedemonofcat]

When Geralt is cursed to turn into a wolf, everyone expects him to devour his Bard. That's why Jaskier, locked in a cage with Geralt and aware that he might die, smiles—hoping that Geralt won’t remember him as being afraid.

But Wolf Geralt has no interest in eating his mate. No, Geralt just wants to cuddle.

[thedemonofcat]

The Pankratz family is renowned for being Dragon Slayers, having mastered the art of defeating any dragon on their own for generations.

Jaskier, born Julian Alfred Pankratz, is often questioned about his family's history. Even Geralt is curious about how his flamboyant bard could hail from a line of dragon slayers.

What no one, not even Geralt, knows is the family's centuries-old secret: The Pankratz family has been perpetrating one of the greatest scams ever known.

They don't slay dragons. They are dragons.

[thedemonofcat]

Don't get me wrong, I love the fics where Jaskier walks up to witchers and demands attention/protection.

But where are my fics where Geralt plops Jaskier in another witcher's camp with a list of care instructions and a promise to be back in a week?

I love this idea, and the detailed list of steps for taking care of Jaskier is impressive.

1. Make sure Jaskier gets at least three meals a day. Keep snacks handy, or he’ll end up chewing on random plants found along the way.

2. To ensure a better morning, Jaskier prefers sleeping in a tavern bed. If you're staying at one, make sure the bard gets to bed before midnight—watch out for encores.

3. When camping outdoors, give Jaskier the softer pillow for a more restful night.

4. Jaskier thrives on attention and conversation. Engage with him frequently, or he'll sulk. He loves telling stories, even if they're exaggerated—just play along.

5. Keep a close eye on him in crowds. He has a habit of causing trouble or flirting with the wrong people. If he starts a brawl, get him out of there quickly.

6. Don’t let him wander off alone—he has a knack for getting lost or into trouble. Always keep him within sight.

7. Jaskier might be immortal, but it’s best not to test that theory.

[thedemonofcat]

In every single version of their first meeting, be the books, Hexer, or Netflix series.

It's always. Jaskier shows up one day to Geralt and goes

“Congratulations, I’m your bard now.”

Geralt has no other option but to accept.

[thedemonofcat]

By human standards, Jaskier was old when he climbed the mountain. In his forties, most would have already settled down and started families. But by dragon standards, Jaskier was still quite young; some might even say he should still be in the nest.

Jaskier didn’t fully align with either perspective. What he didn’t expect was Borch’s sharp instinct to recognize him as a young dragon and treat him accordingly.

Geralt, unaware that his bard is a dragon, found Borch’s unusual interest in Jaskier rather perplexing.

[thedemonofcat]

In selkie culture, there's a rule: whoever returns the selkie's cloak, the selkie belongs to them.

If Jaskier is being honest with himself, it’s partly his fault for leaving his cloak among Geralt’s belongings. Maybe he should have told the witcher about being a selkie before Geralt found the cloak mixed with his things and returned it to Jaskier.

Since then, Jaskier has been grappling with how to tell Geralt that they are, technically, married.

Especially when, as far as Jaskier can tell, Geralt hates him.

[thedemonofcat]

“It’s strange.”

“Hmmmm?”

“I’ve been on the road most of my life,” Jaskier says, “yet you’re the only witcher I’ve ever met. You would think I’d have stumbled upon at least one other.”

Geralt chews slowly, thinking of how strongly Jaskier smells of his territorial pheromones. How his kind were careful to treat one another’s mates with caution, lest they inadvertently cause conflict within their dwindling numbers.

He hadn’t thought about it before, but other witchers probably assume Jaskier is his mate and act accordingly.

Geralt shrugs. “It’s a big continent.”

It was bound to happen sooner or later: Geralt and Jaskier would eventually cross paths with one of Geralt's brothers. As it turned out, it was Eskel—which, Geralt thought, was probably the best possible outcome.

“Nice to meet you,” Jaskier said warmly, extending a hand to Eskel with a friendly smile. He didn’t notice the quick glance Eskel shot Geralt’s way, as if seeking permission to shake his hand. Geralt gave a subtle nod, signaling it was fine.

As Eskel took Jaskier’s hand, Geralt unconsciously moved a little closer, his presence protective.

“It’s good to finally meet Geralt’s mate,” Eskel said.

“Geralt’s what?” Jaskier asked, bewildered.

[thedemonofcat]

When Geralt first crossed paths with Jaskier, he was warned by many to be cautious, as the Bard was rumored to be cursed. Wherever Jaskier went, monsters seemed to follow.

It didn't take long for Geralt to notice this odd phenomenon himself. However, there was something unusual about it: the monsters never harmed Jaskier. Instead, they seemed to be drawn to him in a strange, almost protective way.

Sirens would harmonize with Jaskier’s songs, and Griffins would offer him feathers as gifts. This kind of behavior became so routine that Geralt eventually questioned a Higher Vampire about it. The vampire simply remarked that there was something inexplicably alluring about Jaskier.

By now, Geralt is no longer certain whether Jaskier is cursed or perhaps not entirely human.

[thedemonofcat]

The first witcher Jaskier met besides Geralt was Aiden, a member of the Cat School, who had been hired to assassinate him.

Technically speaking, Aiden's contract was to eliminate the Viscount of Lettenhove, but he was taken aback to discover that the target was actually the same Bard who sings about the witcher he'd heard so much about.

Instead of fulfilling his contract, Aiden and Jaskier found themselves sharing a rather pleasant picnic.

Geralt, unaware of this turn of events, is frantically searching for the Cat witcher who he believes is out to kill his Bard.

At the same time, Lambert, having heard that his fellow witcher is intent on hunting down his dear friend, is racing to find Geralt to prevent him from killing Aiden.

[thedemonofcat]

Geralt comes across a book titled "How to Keep Your Companions Happy and Cared For." What he doesn't realize is that it's actually a guide for dog care.

Nevertheless, Geralt decides to follow the advice in the book with Jaskier. After all, he just got his bard back and wants him to stick around.

Jaskier, on the other hand, is perplexed by Geralt's recent habit of patting his head and giving him extra snacks. Despite the confusion, he doesn't really mind; it's actually quite nice.

[thedemonofcat]

“Ugh, I hate when I have to lie! It makes my mouth so itchy!”

Geralt paused mid-step to look at Jaskier.

The bard noticed and asked, “what?”

“Mouths don’t itch when you lie.”

“Geralt, I know how lies work. I’ve been alive for thirty years.”

That was when Geralt started connecting the dots about Jaskier’s forgotten fae ancestry.

“Next, you’ll be telling me iron is supposed to burn,” Jaskier grumbled, prodding the iron spoons the tavern had set out with their stew.

“It’s not,” Geralt replied calmly. How did Jaskier still not realize he was Fae? Could he be a changeling?

“Then explain this,” Jaskier said, holding up his hands to reveal small red marks scattered across his skin.

Geralt hesitated, wondering if it was time to finally tell Jaskier the truth.

[thedemonofcat]

After Jaskier gains the ability to understand and converse with animals, he is surprised by how much Roach enjoys chatting.

Unlike Geralt, the Witcher's horse proves to be a great conversationalist, much to Jaskier's amusement and Geralt’s annoyance.

Roach especially enjoys talking shit about people.